RandomThoughts

Day unknown #2

Well, I guess I have a lot of updating to do, I mean it has most certainly been awhile and a lot has happened inbetween. There has been some major changes and some little adjustments also.

I will be restarting the daily blog starting (fingers crossed) March 1st or close to that date. I'll also be intergrating some opinion pieces once a week for now, if time allows, but I'll definitely be aiming to do so. Daily posts will be released around 3pm hopefully.

I do want to do something about the first 100 posts or so, like it's kind of tiresome having to go through 10+ pages just to get to the lastest post or whatever, so if anyone knows how to hide them let me know or I may just like convert it to ebook, and have a link or something, definitely something to think about by the 1st.

Other than that like I said a lot has happened and I'll be looking forward to posting that shit over the next few days, as a run up to the 1st. Only, cause it'll help me get back into the groove of writing daily again.

So enjoy Chapter 1.5 for the time being as chapter 2 is right around the corner.

Until tomorrow.

#TalesOfTheInbetween

Day Unknown The Hiatus

Well, I'm back, well only kinda.

I'm well aware of how I left things, and it was sort of in a weird place to be honest. But I found myself not wanting to do anything at all. Between work and feeling depressed and unmotivated; I became sort of off. I don't know what the best term would be but after I was done with work, I really didn't want to do anything else after that and being in lockdown certainy fed into that desire.

I feel like I've hit a boiling point now in my life where I want to do more but I am being stopped by my own laziness at the same time. I'm sort of at a cross roads with myself and it is fustrating. I want to plan stuff out but at the same time I can't bring myself to plan anything. I know I have a lot of things I need to put into place before that, I know I want to do it. But I can't.

At the same time I know what sort of person I am, if I want to do something I need to just do it, I can't be pandering around hoping for a stroke of motivation to uplift myself and resolve all my issues.

The first thing I definitely need to do is: Clean Shit Up. Tidy all the shit around me, then start planning and structing. I mean, I've done half of that but I need to complete the other half. I also need to start utilising a planner of sorts. Otherwise my life is a literal mess.

I also started watching Casey Neistat recently, literally last couple of days and I must say that dude is amazing. His videos are amazing, he seems to be an awesome guy and he captures things so well. It's one of the things that is getting me (for a lack of a better word) motivated, actually no, he causes me to admire work. Some may say art. But I'm going to use work because its his work at the end of the day and he enjoys and likes it and he pursues it. I have shit I want to do in the written form whether it be comics, poetry, opinion pieces, I should pursue it.

It also makes me want to capture things in the audio form, whatever that may be I'm not sure but I feel like I have a voice that may be useful. I'm not too keen on the video format so that's something I don't really want to delve into.

In conclusion, I will continue with my hiatus thus ending chapter one.

Stay tuned for chapter 2.

#TalesOfTheInbetween

Day 124 & 125 Well, I wanted to write a post last night, I was at my desk a couple of time after 9:30, even sat here for about 20 mins after having a shower, and was at my desk all day (not allll day) for work. But I didn't. A couple of times during the day I wanted to, but didn't have the motivation and though I had all the time, but when the evening came, I had football and thought I'd do it when I got back. But after that I just did not want to.

I've been feeling pretty depressed these last few days, since that day, I can't remember when exactly it was now but basically since then. During the day I can distract myself but at nights when I'm alone with my thoughts I can't really handle it as well.

Last night was no exception, honestly I don't know how to handle it or what to do moving forward, I feel like I'm in this black hole and honestly I've been putting off speaking about it in detail because, well because I honestly don't know. I know it'll make me feel better when getting it out there on paper (if you will) but I guess when you're in that state you don't really want to do much that makes you feel better, but continue dwelling in the darkness that is your life at that moment in time.

I have no reason to be down anymore, I am making positive steps in my life, but cutting away the filth, but a vaccum in your life can cause instability, however it is something I chose to do. So in essence, giving up a bad habit should make you feel better but it has the traverse affect on a person due to their relience upon it.

To be frank, writing things down, allows my mind to view it from a different dynamic, I've felt so alone, isolated, sad these last few days and it seemed like all my other bouts of depression, in state of being lost. The depression itself doesn't change but its triggers or causes are so. In essence, this isn't something new for me but that doesn't make it easier to deal with. Hopefully I can take some positive steps to defeat this fight, because it is just that. A fight, this darkness trying to ruin my life but I need to do my upmost best to get through it.

Today, I'm glad I wrote this because it is a step in the right direction, acknowledging it which I've done sure, but writing it out always offers a different level of clarity on any situation. Especially this.

#ChapterOne

Day 123 Today has been alright, very chilling I might add. Woke up around 10, was vexed and tired, then went back to sleep and woke up at 1. I felt much better and rested. From there I stayed in bed for a bit, got my first meal which was KFC and I haven't eaten since. That was around 3ish I believe. Then I had a shave as some hairs were annoying me, so fixed that and had a shower.

Around 5ish I jumped out and met a couple of friends who were already there, actually it was more like half 5/6, they both left around 7ish, just before that, so I was on my own and ngl I was slightly elated that I was on my own. After the footy, literally everyone left the spot and I was on my own and chilling. I really enjoyed it, and then stayed there for an extra hour or so.

Around 8, decided to call it a night and went home, got home and just chilled with my family, my parents weren't home so it was just us siblings and my niece. Literally just came up now and so I was down there for a good 2 and a half hours. It was nice, I was feeling slightly down and tired but chilling with them really boosted my mood and prevented another spiral of emotions and was a pleasant distraction.

Now I'm back in my room, writing this up, thought let me get it over and done with lol so then I can chill effectively, eat some snacks and watch something before going to bed and do the same thing lol.

But yeah overall, decent day, with much needed alone time. Which was nice afffffff.

#ChapterOne

Day 121 I was supposed to write something today but my shoulder/chest is so fucked up from yesterday, got tackled and landed awkwardly on it and it's been so painful, barely move it around. Can only lift my arm up to a certain point. I think it's a strain of sorts. I've been in bed the majority of the day, trying to rest it. It'll take a couple of days until it is at full strength for sure. I'm definitely in the extreme pain phase when painkillers aren't really having much of an affect.

So that's why another reduced post today. Tomorrow, hopefully I'll be in a better position to write, in a clearer mindset, as I've just been occupied with the pain, I've never had a should injury before today.

But that's me, I need to eat and take painkillers, then relax until I fall asleep and it being Saturday, my personal day, I can chill and don't need to be anywhere.

Until then

#ChapterOne