ChapterOne

Day 123 Today has been alright, very chilling I might add. Woke up around 10, was vexed and tired, then went back to sleep and woke up at 1. I felt much better and rested. From there I stayed in bed for a bit, got my first meal which was KFC and I haven't eaten since. That was around 3ish I believe. Then I had a shave as some hairs were annoying me, so fixed that and had a shower.

Around 5ish I jumped out and met a couple of friends who were already there, actually it was more like half 5/6, they both left around 7ish, just before that, so I was on my own and ngl I was slightly elated that I was on my own. After the footy, literally everyone left the spot and I was on my own and chilling. I really enjoyed it, and then stayed there for an extra hour or so.

Around 8, decided to call it a night and went home, got home and just chilled with my family, my parents weren't home so it was just us siblings and my niece. Literally just came up now and so I was down there for a good 2 and a half hours. It was nice, I was feeling slightly down and tired but chilling with them really boosted my mood and prevented another spiral of emotions and was a pleasant distraction.

Now I'm back in my room, writing this up, thought let me get it over and done with lol so then I can chill effectively, eat some snacks and watch something before going to bed and do the same thing lol.

But yeah overall, decent day, with much needed alone time. Which was nice afffffff.

#ChapterOne

Day 124 & 125 Well, I wanted to write a post last night, I was at my desk a couple of time after 9:30, even sat here for about 20 mins after having a shower, and was at my desk all day (not allll day) for work. But I didn't. A couple of times during the day I wanted to, but didn't have the motivation and though I had all the time, but when the evening came, I had football and thought I'd do it when I got back. But after that I just did not want to.

I've been feeling pretty depressed these last few days, since that day, I can't remember when exactly it was now but basically since then. During the day I can distract myself but at nights when I'm alone with my thoughts I can't really handle it as well.

Last night was no exception, honestly I don't know how to handle it or what to do moving forward, I feel like I'm in this black hole and honestly I've been putting off speaking about it in detail because, well because I honestly don't know. I know it'll make me feel better when getting it out there on paper (if you will) but I guess when you're in that state you don't really want to do much that makes you feel better, but continue dwelling in the darkness that is your life at that moment in time.

I have no reason to be down anymore, I am making positive steps in my life, but cutting away the filth, but a vaccum in your life can cause instability, however it is something I chose to do. So in essence, giving up a bad habit should make you feel better but it has the traverse affect on a person due to their relience upon it.

To be frank, writing things down, allows my mind to view it from a different dynamic, I've felt so alone, isolated, sad these last few days and it seemed like all my other bouts of depression, in state of being lost. The depression itself doesn't change but its triggers or causes are so. In essence, this isn't something new for me but that doesn't make it easier to deal with. Hopefully I can take some positive steps to defeat this fight, because it is just that. A fight, this darkness trying to ruin my life but I need to do my upmost best to get through it.

Today, I'm glad I wrote this because it is a step in the right direction, acknowledging it which I've done sure, but writing it out always offers a different level of clarity on any situation. Especially this.

#ChapterOne

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