Yesterday was nice though, I sacrificed an entire day to do nothing and did nothing, just watched this Korean drama on Netflix. Literally for the entire day I destroyed that show whilst taking breaks to watch another Netflix show which was Indonesian all while taking more breaks to watch 8 out of 10 cats on YouTube. So it was a damn good day but it did mean I didn't do anything at all but again it was so damn good. Today has not been like that, and I don't see the rest of the week moving toward that pattern, hopefully will move by the end of the week, got office days this week also, most likely see some friends as well. I want to do some planning around some of the writing stuff I want to do, so need to figure that whole ass thing out. I made a Ko-Fi page thing, so need to think of ways to set up that thing completely. I really want to make a push with my writing this year. I keep saying that and in the end neglecting it but I really need to kick my ass into gear. I want to write some opinion pieces and get a first draft of my book I want to write. It's nothing fancy, just an anthology of shit.

I've done all I can today in terms of running around doing errands, I still got a couple of documents I need to digitalise and some other crap but I'm going to take a short break. Watch an episode or two and then try to get a good nights rest.

#ChapterFour

Other than the stress and anxiety of moving and shit, I do feel like I'm in a much better place thankfully just need to keep pushing forward with life and keep being productive. I did want to write a post yesterday but was so drained I was like fuck it lol.

I also worked through my issues from last time by simply talking about it with the person and it went well and I felt heard which was a very big relief, so much so I almost forgot that it even happened, human emotions are very odd and strange. All we gotta do is take pause and breath then deal with it directly and I understand it only went so well due to both parties being understanding and listening but sometimes it doesn't. So beware. Of something. Idk I'm waffling.

#ChapterFour

I have this anger and detest brewing, this sense of rejecting the statements of 'oh I wish you were...', 'oh if only you could do that..' well I cannot and that's okay for me. I'm not trying to become emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt chasing a dream that isn't mine. I don't want to peddle the narratives of your desire and act like it's mine. Sure I understand the concepts of meeting in the middle and compromising but I literally can no longer do that. I don't have the desire of ruining myself again and again and again and for what? Having a sense of worth tied to non-sensical shit that doesn't stick at all.

I am honestly so tired of this life and wanting a change but does that change involve leaving precious things behind or moving forward on the same page. Unfortunately, my mind has been bogged down in bullshit from my personal and work life, that initial bliss and dream has been washed away with dog shit and I have to now rebuild. Rebuild with struggle and unhappiness ultimately eroding at my own self worth and sanity.

I am losing it.

#ChapterFour

I find myself again, on the precipice of depression and bored. Where life becomes black and white and void of life. But I am handling it a lot better than I have in the past where I've just let it overcome me and left me empty without reason. But we move as the kids say nowadays, I am trying to kickstart my life and move into action, begin starting projects and actually do work toward them instead of planning and planning then avoiding any meaningful and watch the months go by then being washed over with depression. A vicious cycle that I'm stuck adamant on breaking out of. Or so I keep telling myself, maybe this time will be different, something feels different within myself. But alas, only time will tell whether it's just another fleeting feeling of nothingness or action will be drawn from it.

I do have to admit, my outlook on things has most certainly matured in respect to life goals, business and what I which to achieve. I'm no longer naive or overly optimistic about things and tend now to think things through as opposed to before. I understand the value of just doing things and planning as opposed to just planning till kingdom-come.

But as I said; we'll see, as I grow wary of myself, increasingly so as I get older.

#ChapterFour

1 #ChapterOne 2 #ChapterTwo 3 #ChapterThree 4 #ChapterFour 5 #Chapter25
#TalesOfTheInbetween