Day 77 I forced myself to write this. Literally at the the end of my day. It's just turned 3 am and I wanted to be asleep like half an hour ago but it's still better than 6 am I suppose. Also I'm having this lingering anxious feeling; I don't know if it's due to me sleeping late or the fact that I'm sleeping. I felt more at ease staying awake on YouTube watching pointless videos than I did when I said to myself it's time to sleep. Honestly I hate this feeling of pushing things back and not sleeping like it'll work for weekends but it's not viable for me to do it during the week. It has a massive spillover affect to how I operate during the day and the week at large, I'm less productive, miss deadlines and effectively become a terrible worker.
I've also noticed that everything else around me is worse off, I have clothes laying around the room, mess on my desk and just general uncleanliness. My email inbox is so untidy and a lot of it is indicative of my mental state in the moment. So I've decided to stay home for the next few days now, have a mental breather from all those around me, I really wanna escape and be by myself for a couple of days but I don't know how possible that is currently. But I do know, and have made the resolve of not going out until next week or something. Hopefully I can ascertain that balance I had a few weeks ago.
My day as a whole felt sort of wasted, but I did manage to do some stuff that I needed like get a haircut, go to the bank and also got some food too. Also I'm not eating properly anymore, I keep eating one meal a day and that's not great for me I think. But yeah I also played football today and got a nasty cramp, but I did play better post cramp lol. One good thing. Then after that just chilled with some friends and basically reiterated that I won't be coming out until next week or something.
That way, I've made that resolve and they would be more understanding to an extent knowing why, and I guess a tad more clued on as they'd know not to invite me anymore for at least a week or so. We'll see how that ends up but I am pretty adamant on doing that, I feel that kind of ruins the structure of my evenings and nights and I use that as an excuse to stay up later than I should, knowing full well I can and should sleep on time.
I guess my main focus currently is getting over this mental barrier that I'm facing and to an extent is affecting my day to day. Like I find myself just being able to do the bare minimum that's required of me and I don't really feel happy knowing I'm in that state. I feel myself getting worse so a separation from the outside world allows me to reflect and heal as I'll work on myself.
But yeah I am sleepy, and had to force myself to write this, if anything it allows me to express myself and get things off of my chest and onto paper. You know me I always need a decluttering. I mean I have better conversations with myself than I do with most people.
But yeah that's that for now.