Day 402 I hate the feeling of being made to feel lesser than you are. The feeling of being told you're not good enough. The feeling of you're failing to live up to expectations and not up to scratch.
But all you're trying to do is live within your means and not live in the past. You're happy with the station in your current life and are working towards something better all the time, it's just happening far slower than you're expecting.
I have this anger and detest brewing, this sense of rejecting the statements of 'oh I wish you were...', 'oh if only you could do that..' well I cannot and that's okay for me. I'm not trying to become emotionally, mentally and physically bankrupt chasing a dream that isn't mine. I don't want to peddle the narratives of your desire and act like it's mine. Sure I understand the concepts of meeting in the middle and compromising but I literally can no longer do that. I don't have the desire of ruining myself again and again and again and for what? Having a sense of worth tied to non-sensical shit that doesn't stick at all.
I am honestly so tired of this life and wanting a change but does that change involve leaving precious things behind or moving forward on the same page. Unfortunately, my mind has been bogged down in bullshit from my personal and work life, that initial bliss and dream has been washed away with dog shit and I have to now rebuild. Rebuild with struggle and unhappiness ultimately eroding at my own self worth and sanity.
I am losing it.