Day 124 & 125 Well, I wanted to write a post last night, I was at my desk a couple of time after 9:30, even sat here for about 20 mins after having a shower, and was at my desk all day (not allll day) for work. But I didn't. A couple of times during the day I wanted to, but didn't have the motivation and though I had all the time, but when the evening came, I had football and thought I'd do it when I got back. But after that I just did not want to.
I've been feeling pretty depressed these last few days, since that day, I can't remember when exactly it was now but basically since then. During the day I can distract myself but at nights when I'm alone with my thoughts I can't really handle it as well.
Last night was no exception, honestly I don't know how to handle it or what to do moving forward, I feel like I'm in this black hole and honestly I've been putting off speaking about it in detail because, well because I honestly don't know. I know it'll make me feel better when getting it out there on paper (if you will) but I guess when you're in that state you don't really want to do much that makes you feel better, but continue dwelling in the darkness that is your life at that moment in time.
I have no reason to be down anymore, I am making positive steps in my life, but cutting away the filth, but a vaccum in your life can cause instability, however it is something I chose to do. So in essence, giving up a bad habit should make you feel better but it has the traverse affect on a person due to their relience upon it.
To be frank, writing things down, allows my mind to view it from a different dynamic, I've felt so alone, isolated, sad these last few days and it seemed like all my other bouts of depression, in state of being lost. The depression itself doesn't change but its triggers or causes are so. In essence, this isn't something new for me but that doesn't make it easier to deal with. Hopefully I can take some positive steps to defeat this fight, because it is just that. A fight, this darkness trying to ruin my life but I need to do my upmost best to get through it.
Today, I'm glad I wrote this because it is a step in the right direction, acknowledging it which I've done sure, but writing it out always offers a different level of clarity on any situation. Especially this.